58/365

Warning: You may proceed to click the X button on the top right of your screen if my life is an absolute bore to you.

Don't know if it's just me but the idea of having expectations leading to greater disappointment has such relevance in my life. The feeling of inadequacy, the feeling of being a "control master " that wants everything to absolutely go her way, it all boils down to the root cause of it - expectations.

Having the thought that I'll be able to see you first thing in the morning of the 28th each month (and other days), makes my day be it in school or on a weekday, thinking that you'll be watching me present (makes me wanna give in an extra 20%) tomorrow and wanting to make you proud, or being able to meet you during my breaks on various school days (our timetable no longer have the same breaks) all these expectations piled after one another - turned into disappointment the moment you said you were't coming to school tomorrow. I know, and i completely understand that you've still not recovered from today and still feel weak etc but it's just really sad and disheartening for me to know that whatever I look forward to will never happen. The drive I had relied on to last me from the start of the week till Thurs - gone. Do you ever know how much that hurts??????? Don't know whether I'm crying over this because of my stupidity for expecting so much or because I'm just plainly disappointed that things won't happen the way I have expected it to.

Can safely say that I've spent too much time with you that I can no longer adapt to not seeing you for at least a day (which i totes understand why your friends would call you a *** and that, i will blatantly ignore) But that's partially also because I love you so much and seeing you makes my day so much more brighter it really does gets me going. Cliché it is but damn it's true.

But life sucks and here I am, attempting to get used to the drastic change but sometimes I really wish I would be able to get back the same much I put in. As much as I disgust my competitive nature i can't help but to expect the same back (trying to tell myself to stop setting so much expectations) and rather let things take its own course but it's never that easy to do than to say. Some of you probably think I should just get ahead with life and quit being such a clingy gf who is crazily in some puppy love shit with her bf and not let insignificant things affect me but that pang of disappointment affected me that bad and I really DOWNRIGHT detest it when things don't go the way I want it too (sorry for sounding so singlishy can't be the least bothered to edit my grammar etc to make myself blend in with the perfect-eng-with-excellent-vocab blogs)

I know I myself isn't perfect either, probably caused many disappointments in life i'm sorry to whoever I've disappointed i totally know how it feels to have disappointed myself

Arghhhh just really ZZzzZzzZ at my own unfulfilled expectations I'm on the verge of calling it a night and sleeping my sorrows away and wake up to hopefully, something different. But nope, here's to spending the night with Lit and Geog *cheersss*

On the flip side, happy one-day-in-advance 10th month babe <3 I still love you more each day and I hope I made the right decision for friday.