139/365

I have completely spent my whole Sunday trying to clear this work load which teachers blatantly dump on us (including an essay which a teacher threw it to us to do just because we didn't manage to plan it finish on time...) to complete them thinking that we only take their subjects but the truth is, we don't and just so you know, geography itself is split into human and physical components thus it's double the work each week and speaking of geog have I mentioned that I have H2 econs and geog paper together on the same day for the upcoming exams are they out of their mind....??? (No that's life shut up Alex) The countless number of essays the rhythmic flows of our hand moving just to fill the empty pages up with occasional pauses to shake the lactic acid off is absurb - but that's just a reflection to how life is. Just give me a few minutes to rant on my personal space about how I'm so unlucky in life (let's just say i'm the shortest tree amongst all the tall trees and yet lightning could still strike me first despite being the shortest). I know that I can never be that unlucky as compared to malnutritioned kids in the LDCs etc but ya you get the drift. Pretty much since young I'm never the kind of person with good grades / good looks / bagging home all the trophies and medals around my neck (i am hereby not seeking attention and I am not seeking self pity). I can only be grateful for getting into SA by DSA and being able to meet the nicest and loveliest bunch of classmates and cca mates and friends but just as I thought I could be using this June to buck myself up from the horrendous BT1 grades, I had to be diagnosed with the shittiest things on earth and having to spend the whole June holidays going through the process of torture (also known as recovery). I do believe in the saying that God always has a plan for you and when a door closes, another one opens yet no matter how much people (even the doctor) ressured me that studies isn't everything and how I can always take a hiatus off sch, the cold hard truth is that I'm always so weak. The mention of school work always brings me close to tears - you have no idea how hard it is just to survive school and having to go through an additional year, it's gonna be another year of torture and plans being pushed back... My thoughts are so incoherent ugh please pardon my horrible english.

Can't seem to focus on completing any work today at all, my thoughts occasionally drift to us, cancer, the after effects, the treatment, school, lagging behind; everything. The next thing I know I'm staring straight at instagram on my hand searching the hashtag #thyca - I don't know what scares me the most. The pain of the surgery / process of recovery / having to be on medication for the rest of my life, or the pain of knowing that I might never be the same way I am now. I'm only 18 for pete sake and there's so much more I wish I wasn't robbed of.

Nevertheless I thank everyone for your constant encouragement/support in which I really appreciate every.one.of.them. 

I do hope that when I chance upon this entry in the far future with my life all settled (probably basking in the sun in my balcony at sentosa cove ha ha who am I kidding but a girl can dream, can't she?), I'll be able to share with everyone I meet in my life how this whole episode has made me a stronger person.